So, today was the day part of me never believed would really happen. I'm still not sure I believe it. He'll be home from his scout camp-out any minute, right? He better be home soon, he's got school tomorrow.
But no. I drove back to the cemetary only a couple hours after we left him there just to make sure he was tucked in OK. Of course he was. I left a piece of my heart there (the big piece that fell out a week ago and I have been carrying on my sleeve.) It really felt wrong to leave him there.
I am not sure how I feel right now. Tired. Ready to wake up from this nightmare, that's for sure.
I must have thanked hundreds of people for coming today. It must have sounded trite, but I meant it from the bottom of my heart. The only thing that has helped even a little is having the support (written as well as physical) of friends and family. Really, truly. Thank you for being there for us.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Thoughts of Thanks
It is Sunday night. Tomorrow is Camerons funeral. One week ago we awoke to the worst day of our lives. The pictures in our minds of finding Cameron remain and the heartache of the week is lingering. This is the first time in my life that I have cried until my eyes itch and ache. We may be able to express our true grief tomorrow, but more likely we will be in a haze and numb. There have been few moments that Kristie and I have been alone for enough time to start crying together. The support and love has been tremendous and our grattitude is real.
I had an especially hard day today, mostly because of preparations for tomorrow. Truthfully though, I was wanting to grieve some so that I could hold myself together tomorrow. Our family that is here has been wonderful. Some we haven't seen for years. I can't tell you how great it is to have family that barely know my son be able to really understand my grief because they know how I am. I loved my son more than words can describe. He was my oldest and my only boy. I am so glad that, even with the faults that Cam and I have, at the end of the day we could sit on the couch in the basement and watch Family Guy or Simpsons and enjoy being together. We could also enjoy the secret that we were watching the shows that Mom tried to block.
Cameron was spending much more time with friends and playing XBox than with me lately. I accepted that our relationship be more and more from a distance because that's what teens do. But, Cam never complained when I crashed his TV time, especially when I brought him a Diet Pepsi home. The moments we spent together alone will be with me forever.
We want Herriman (United) Fire to know how much we appreciate them. It isn't easy to see and deal with what they did at our house that morning. They were professional and patient even when dealing with and RN and and ex-EMT. I especially wanted to thank Officer Vollmer with the Sherrif's office. He was there that morning keeping things calm. He also came to Primary's just to check on Cam. His sincerity was real and appreciated. I know that his heart broke at the news that Cam was gone.
To everyone that has thought, prayed, served, and talked to us this week...Thank You! I couldn't imagine going through this alone. The empty place where Cameron should be will never go away, but our hearts are full because of the love of others.
Thank you,
Mike, Kristie, Courtney, Caitlyn, Carlee, and Callie.
I had an especially hard day today, mostly because of preparations for tomorrow. Truthfully though, I was wanting to grieve some so that I could hold myself together tomorrow. Our family that is here has been wonderful. Some we haven't seen for years. I can't tell you how great it is to have family that barely know my son be able to really understand my grief because they know how I am. I loved my son more than words can describe. He was my oldest and my only boy. I am so glad that, even with the faults that Cam and I have, at the end of the day we could sit on the couch in the basement and watch Family Guy or Simpsons and enjoy being together. We could also enjoy the secret that we were watching the shows that Mom tried to block.
Cameron was spending much more time with friends and playing XBox than with me lately. I accepted that our relationship be more and more from a distance because that's what teens do. But, Cam never complained when I crashed his TV time, especially when I brought him a Diet Pepsi home. The moments we spent together alone will be with me forever.
We want Herriman (United) Fire to know how much we appreciate them. It isn't easy to see and deal with what they did at our house that morning. They were professional and patient even when dealing with and RN and and ex-EMT. I especially wanted to thank Officer Vollmer with the Sherrif's office. He was there that morning keeping things calm. He also came to Primary's just to check on Cam. His sincerity was real and appreciated. I know that his heart broke at the news that Cam was gone.
To everyone that has thought, prayed, served, and talked to us this week...Thank You! I couldn't imagine going through this alone. The empty place where Cameron should be will never go away, but our hearts are full because of the love of others.
Thank you,
Mike, Kristie, Courtney, Caitlyn, Carlee, and Callie.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Cam
Kristie and I took my parents to the mortuary today to see Cam. They were unable to fly out from Louisiana (where they are on a mission) in time to see Cam at the hospital. He looks absolutely peaceful. It is a stark contrast to the usual vivacious and lively boy that we all knew. Of course, he doesn't look quite the same. But, all in all, Darren did a wonderful job. It was epecially nice to know that Cam was in the hands of a friend.
You guys, our little boy filled up the whole damn casket. Being with him this week has slowed time down to a crawl, and yet this week and the last 16 years has gone by like Cameron running through the kitchen. As we prepare some memories of Cam, we get to relive many experiences that maybe we would have otherwise forgotton. Like the day he broke his femur (he was 6). That was a day that also lives in infamy. We remember his determination.......not to get up and walk around around after his surgery. We told him that the Dr. wanted him to get up once in a while and walk around to get his leg exercised. As we tried to help him set on the side of the hospital bed and then stand, he yelled as loud as he could, "I'M NOT DOIN THAT!" It was one of those things that is both the saddest thing in the world and makes you completely lose it laughing.
As we remember the time with Cam it is both sad and happy. We will miss him, especially the little idiosyncracies that made him who he was. I guess we should learn to love the little things that bug us most about each other because it seems that those might be the things we would miss the most.
Cam is wearing the leather jacket that his thoughful Mom got him for Christmas. Cam didn't ask for a jacket because he already had one he found at our stake clothing swap. Now, keep in mind the old one was fake leather (vinyl) and had rips and tears everywhere and needed to be sent to space. He didn't care, he loved it anyway. But, Mom thought it needed replaced so she shopped long and hard to get one that would fit into our Christmas budget. She was successful and found a jacket that became inseparable from Cam. He is also wearing the pink tie that I found him for the Sweeheart's Dance with Page. Now, it is a little bright because I don't know baby pink from fuschia but Cameron wore it every time he wanted to dress to impress. Also, you won't be able to see, but he is wearing his skater shoes that we tripped over every night somewhere in the house.
It isn't getting any easier but we feel loved and supported by you all. Thanks again.
You guys, our little boy filled up the whole damn casket. Being with him this week has slowed time down to a crawl, and yet this week and the last 16 years has gone by like Cameron running through the kitchen. As we prepare some memories of Cam, we get to relive many experiences that maybe we would have otherwise forgotton. Like the day he broke his femur (he was 6). That was a day that also lives in infamy. We remember his determination.......not to get up and walk around around after his surgery. We told him that the Dr. wanted him to get up once in a while and walk around to get his leg exercised. As we tried to help him set on the side of the hospital bed and then stand, he yelled as loud as he could, "I'M NOT DOIN THAT!" It was one of those things that is both the saddest thing in the world and makes you completely lose it laughing.
As we remember the time with Cam it is both sad and happy. We will miss him, especially the little idiosyncracies that made him who he was. I guess we should learn to love the little things that bug us most about each other because it seems that those might be the things we would miss the most.
Cam is wearing the leather jacket that his thoughful Mom got him for Christmas. Cam didn't ask for a jacket because he already had one he found at our stake clothing swap. Now, keep in mind the old one was fake leather (vinyl) and had rips and tears everywhere and needed to be sent to space. He didn't care, he loved it anyway. But, Mom thought it needed replaced so she shopped long and hard to get one that would fit into our Christmas budget. She was successful and found a jacket that became inseparable from Cam. He is also wearing the pink tie that I found him for the Sweeheart's Dance with Page. Now, it is a little bright because I don't know baby pink from fuschia but Cameron wore it every time he wanted to dress to impress. Also, you won't be able to see, but he is wearing his skater shoes that we tripped over every night somewhere in the house.
It isn't getting any easier but we feel loved and supported by you all. Thanks again.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Cameron Video, He was so serious about this.
Our gentle guy had a pretty hard edge sometimes. Well, get to know this side a little. He posted this himself this month.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjsjswz-h5c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjsjswz-h5c
A Little Venting
It's after 3 O'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. I probably shouldn't be writing because I'm pretty emotional. Kristie and I are meeting with the mortician in the morning to finalize funeral arrangements. Of course I am thinking of Cam and how good he really was. I have had a few experiences this week with how awful the world can be. Even though Cam had his weaknesses, he was always good with other people. I was just thinking about an experience with a person this week that made me realize that, unlike Cam, there are people out there that have no heart. I guess I'll tell...As I've been driving around this week, I feel like everything is in slow motion. I am completely exhausted physically and emotionally. On Monday when we were realizing that Cam was not going to make it, I was running back and forth from the hospital taking care of the rest of the family (with help) so that Kristie could stay at the hospital with Cam. It's hard to drive when you're consumed with grief, I wouldn't recommend it. Anyway, when I got to foothill Blvd I set the cruise control to 45 (it's a 40 limit) because it's hard not to speed on that road if you're not paying attention. Well, from 215 it's a long down hill going North and the Suburban is heavy and apparently picked up enough speed to get over 50mph even with cruise. I didn't notice cause I was crying and not running over any cars in front of me. My luck is such that a motorcyle officer spotted me and pulled me over. I really didn't know how fast I was going, but he came up and said I was doing 53. I just offered the explanation that I was headed to the hospital where my son was probably going to die. It came out because I guess I didn't want him to think I was just a speed demon. Well, he took my license and looked liked he was quickly checking things out and came back pretty quickly, which I appreciated. He said he was citing me for speeding and putting 5 over. I didn't think anything of it except "dang." My issue was with what he said next. Officer Hallock, SLPD, then said, and I quote, "I find it sad that you are using your son's grief to try and get out of a speeding ticket"....................................Wha??.........Wha??..............I had no words.
So I have been comparing Cameron's caring personality with these heartless words to a grieving father all week. There is no comparison. I shouldn't dwell and it really isn't important, but I'm pretty emotional.
I really wish he could be here to laugh with me about it.
Cam, thanks for never being a jerk.
So I have been comparing Cameron's caring personality with these heartless words to a grieving father all week. There is no comparison. I shouldn't dwell and it really isn't important, but I'm pretty emotional.
I really wish he could be here to laugh with me about it.
Cam, thanks for never being a jerk.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Family Photo Album
Here are a few pictures of Cameron and family. Maybe a little older but still the same.....
www.picasaweb.google.com/mearnhart7
www.picasaweb.google.com/mearnhart7
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Thanks everyone
I have hardly been on the computer today. Most of the recent posts have been from Mike. I have soaked more kleenex than can be counted. It has been, well, a horrific day. And the worst part is, that it has only just begun. Cameron's 16th birthday is May 5th. Mother's Day is 4 days after that. And then there is just the everyday stuff.
I came home from the hospital today for the first time since Sunday. So many reminders of him everywhere, not to mention the fridge full of food that doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. We are going to have to start cooking less.
I resurrected my blog mostly because it was way too hard to keep retelling Cam's story to everyone I wanted to know. But it has become extremly therapeutic for Mike and I, something I really did not anticipate. But as we tell his story, the good, the bad, and the painful, it has helped us to process our emotions.
Thank you to EVERYONE who has reached out to us. Old friends, new friends, co-workers, family, and even strangers. Your tender words of kindness lift me each time. Ask any nurse in the PICU. Anytime the laptop was in my lap, I was sobbing. Thank you so much for being there for us.
And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sending your memories of Cameron. He wasn't perfect, but he sure was easy to love. Keep them coming. I have cherished every one.
Sure do love you Cameron, forever for always and no matter what.
I came home from the hospital today for the first time since Sunday. So many reminders of him everywhere, not to mention the fridge full of food that doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. We are going to have to start cooking less.
I resurrected my blog mostly because it was way too hard to keep retelling Cam's story to everyone I wanted to know. But it has become extremly therapeutic for Mike and I, something I really did not anticipate. But as we tell his story, the good, the bad, and the painful, it has helped us to process our emotions.
Thank you to EVERYONE who has reached out to us. Old friends, new friends, co-workers, family, and even strangers. Your tender words of kindness lift me each time. Ask any nurse in the PICU. Anytime the laptop was in my lap, I was sobbing. Thank you so much for being there for us.
And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sending your memories of Cameron. He wasn't perfect, but he sure was easy to love. Keep them coming. I have cherished every one.
Sure do love you Cameron, forever for always and no matter what.
One Pill
I feel that at this time it is appropriate to tell you all of some feelings I have about what took Cameron. For whatever reason, physiological, psychological, or social, Cam was drawn toward artificial joy and temporary highs. Over the last year he took pills of many kinds, he smoked marijuana, he tried cocaine and mushrooms. We talked many times about the reasons he did it. It was to forget hard times, it was to escape reality, and it was to feel good. But, we also talked about the dangers associated with drug use. Cameron did not want to hurt himself or take his own life. He started talking about how hard it was going to be this spring because the price of pills and such would go down. Why? We're not sure, but he was really worried that he could afford to buy some of the things he craved. Well, that being said, we felt he had truly reached a milestone with sobriety. He asked if he could stay the night with a friend. It was a friend that we trusted because he did not use with this friend and his parents were home with them. Cameron, being who he was, somehow found a way to get his hands on some Marijuana, Alchohol, and Pills.
I think it was his loyalty to friends (good and evil) and the desire to please that kept him from resisting those temptations. It seemed to be that he succombed to the urge to smoke marijuana first. Once Cameron has given into one temptation, he lets it snowball from there. We tried to teach him that even though you make one mistake doesn't mean you have to keep making them. Just because you sip rotton milk doesn't mean your whole day is spoiled.
I picked Cam up from his friend's house. He had lied about coming home and I was furious that he had not been answering his phone and not been responsible enough to check in (he had Saturday jobs to do). When he got into the car, I just felt that I had to calm down before sentencing. Well, we went to my store to finish up some work. I snagged his phone before he could erase his text history. Instead of starting in on Cam, I reviewed his texts. He had been up to no good, but after seeing the horror on his face I suddenly felt that he was already regretting his actions.
I will never tell myself I should have done something different or really lit into the kid. But, at that time I just told him that we had taught him make good choices and that he would have consequences, good or bad. Kristie came into the store on the way home from work, we spent a few minutes all together and they left for home. No hard feelings, no argument.
At home, Cameron spent a little time doing jobs he was supposed to have done earlier. He was in a decent mood and we all headed to bed at about 11:00. I checked on him at about 11:30 because I heard voices from his room. For some reason, Courtney was just shooting the breeze with Cam (Courtney told us later that she didn't know why but felt that she needed to talk to Cam). I sent her back to bed and told cam good night. We found him about 8:30 Sunday morning and you know the rest.
Here is what everyone should understand: From talking with everyone we could about the previous day, we deducted that Cameron had taken One Pill! We think it was an 80mg dose of Oxycontin. He had texted a friend about 1:50am that he was high on Oxycontin and couldn't see straight or hear right. Cam did not know what he had. 80mg of Oxycontin taken by someone that has no tolerance for the drug is going to be fatal.
Friends of Cam, Teenagers, Students, and everyone else............ONE PILL TOOK MY BOY!
Please let this be a wake up call to anyone messing around with any drug. The reality is that Cameron knew that the highs were temporary. You can deal with anything if you let those who care about you in.
Cameron's DAD
I think it was his loyalty to friends (good and evil) and the desire to please that kept him from resisting those temptations. It seemed to be that he succombed to the urge to smoke marijuana first. Once Cameron has given into one temptation, he lets it snowball from there. We tried to teach him that even though you make one mistake doesn't mean you have to keep making them. Just because you sip rotton milk doesn't mean your whole day is spoiled.
I picked Cam up from his friend's house. He had lied about coming home and I was furious that he had not been answering his phone and not been responsible enough to check in (he had Saturday jobs to do). When he got into the car, I just felt that I had to calm down before sentencing. Well, we went to my store to finish up some work. I snagged his phone before he could erase his text history. Instead of starting in on Cam, I reviewed his texts. He had been up to no good, but after seeing the horror on his face I suddenly felt that he was already regretting his actions.
I will never tell myself I should have done something different or really lit into the kid. But, at that time I just told him that we had taught him make good choices and that he would have consequences, good or bad. Kristie came into the store on the way home from work, we spent a few minutes all together and they left for home. No hard feelings, no argument.
At home, Cameron spent a little time doing jobs he was supposed to have done earlier. He was in a decent mood and we all headed to bed at about 11:00. I checked on him at about 11:30 because I heard voices from his room. For some reason, Courtney was just shooting the breeze with Cam (Courtney told us later that she didn't know why but felt that she needed to talk to Cam). I sent her back to bed and told cam good night. We found him about 8:30 Sunday morning and you know the rest.
Here is what everyone should understand: From talking with everyone we could about the previous day, we deducted that Cameron had taken One Pill! We think it was an 80mg dose of Oxycontin. He had texted a friend about 1:50am that he was high on Oxycontin and couldn't see straight or hear right. Cam did not know what he had. 80mg of Oxycontin taken by someone that has no tolerance for the drug is going to be fatal.
Friends of Cam, Teenagers, Students, and everyone else............ONE PILL TOOK MY BOY!
Please let this be a wake up call to anyone messing around with any drug. The reality is that Cameron knew that the highs were temporary. You can deal with anything if you let those who care about you in.
Cameron's DAD
Wednesday Afternoon
Cameron's official time of death is 1:20 pm April 20, 2010. With family and friends at his bedside, Cameron was taken off the ventilator. Within a few minutes, Cam's heart stopped. That was at 11:32 on April 21, 2010. Peace and Handsomeness. Gentle Giant.
Wednesday Morning Update
It is a difficult morning. The organ donation folks determined that his internal organ are not viable for donation. I'm not gonna tell Cam because he would just make a joke about nobody being able to handle his stuff anyway. He will be able to donate some tissue stuff. The donation team and Medical Examiner will get their things done quickly today.
He will be taken off life support before Noon. The family is here to say final goodbyes. He is very hot from fever and puffy from fluid. It will be hard to see and feel his body cold. But, his spirit will be free and his vitality will never leave. Spirit World, look out!
We are really trying to set the service for Monday. We will post ASAP.
Our Love To All!!! Thank you so much for reaching out to us.
Miss him already.
He will be taken off life support before Noon. The family is here to say final goodbyes. He is very hot from fever and puffy from fluid. It will be hard to see and feel his body cold. But, his spirit will be free and his vitality will never leave. Spirit World, look out!
We are really trying to set the service for Monday. We will post ASAP.
Our Love To All!!! Thank you so much for reaching out to us.
Miss him already.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Update from Dad Tuesday Night
Cameron was officially declared dead at 1:20pm Tues. April 20, 2010. That sentence is extremely hard to write. He is still on life support so that he can be prepared to be an organ donor. This decision was not hard for us. Because we knew that Cam would say something like "Well, I'm not usin' 'em, Mom, give them to someone who can." That was how Cam was.
He will be on medications that will help his liver, kidneys, and heart recouperate from the damage they sustained. They couldn't give the meds before because they could damage the brain. He will PROUDLY be able to help quite a few people live better lives.
Most likely, Cameron will be off life support and be done at the hospital Wednesday late afternoon or evening.
We are proud of Cameron and the life he lived. Everyone makes mistakes but sadly this one has taken him from us. No regrets except that his life was cut short.
We will post the day, time, and location of his funeral service as soon as we have it set.
Thank you, everyone, again for the love and support.
Mike and Kristie
He will be on medications that will help his liver, kidneys, and heart recouperate from the damage they sustained. They couldn't give the meds before because they could damage the brain. He will PROUDLY be able to help quite a few people live better lives.
Most likely, Cameron will be off life support and be done at the hospital Wednesday late afternoon or evening.
We are proud of Cameron and the life he lived. Everyone makes mistakes but sadly this one has taken him from us. No regrets except that his life was cut short.
We will post the day, time, and location of his funeral service as soon as we have it set.
Thank you, everyone, again for the love and support.
Mike and Kristie
From Mike (Dad)
Friends were extremely important to Cam. There were those who kept him busy and out of trouble. There were also those who put him in danger. Unfortunately, they were both important to Cameron. I will always remember him never hurting anyone except himself. He never had a bad word to say about anyone, even those who hurt him.
This is a time to remember everything good about Cam, which is plentiful. Few, if any, knew him like I did. The only time we fought was when he wouldn't tell me something because he was protecting the privacy of someone else. He was loyal and forever worried about the feelings of others. He was uncanny when it came to knowing the mood of someone and trying to help anyway he could.
Unfortunately, the one vice he had (drugs) was what took him from us. He didn't think it hurt anybody. But, as I told him many times, when you hurt yourself it affects everyone around you who know and love you.......Family, Friends, Sisters, Grandmas, Grandpas, Church Leaders, Teachers, Principles, and even Officers.
Cam would say something like "I'm sorry this happened, I didn't really think anyone cared that much."
Cameron, my Bug, if you could see them now........
Dad
This is a time to remember everything good about Cam, which is plentiful. Few, if any, knew him like I did. The only time we fought was when he wouldn't tell me something because he was protecting the privacy of someone else. He was loyal and forever worried about the feelings of others. He was uncanny when it came to knowing the mood of someone and trying to help anyway he could.
Unfortunately, the one vice he had (drugs) was what took him from us. He didn't think it hurt anybody. But, as I told him many times, when you hurt yourself it affects everyone around you who know and love you.......Family, Friends, Sisters, Grandmas, Grandpas, Church Leaders, Teachers, Principles, and even Officers.
Cam would say something like "I'm sorry this happened, I didn't really think anyone cared that much."
Cameron, my Bug, if you could see them now........
Dad
This is where we are
I am not sure if folks know where we are. I can't remember what I've told to whom.
We are at Primary Children's in the Pediatric ICU (PICU.)
It means so much to be surrounded by friends.
We are at Primary Children's in the Pediatric ICU (PICU.)
It means so much to be surrounded by friends.
It is what it is
So Cameron has had BOTH his official neuro exams today, and has been declared brain dead by each physcian. While I'm not surprised, it's still so hard to hear.
The donor service will take over from here - it will take up to 2 days for them to do what they do. The problem is, he is not so stable today and I don't know if he will last that long but I guess we will do what we can.
We are not turning anyone away but know that if you come to visit, it will probably only be for a few minutes to say goodbye as there seem to be many that want to come. ICU rules are that there can be only 2 visitors (besides mom and dad) so we have to cycle people in and out. Visiting ends at 9 pm. We are asking all visitors be done by noon Wednesday so we may spend Cam's final moments alone as a family.
People keep asking what can be done for us. I don't know what to say except water bottles and granola bars, since it's tough to leave his bedside.
But really, the most precious, the most important thing you can do for me is WRITE DOWN YOUR MEMORIES OF CAMERON and e-mail them to me. I want this desperately. Even if you think your memories of Cam aren't significant, it is to me. Since I can't have my son, I want his legacy instead. Please contribute. scrapyourheart@gmail.com
Through the night
Cam has done fair through this last night. His fever spiked again, so back on the cooling blanket (something expected with brain swelling.) He is on only one medicine to maintain his blood pressure, but he is on a decent dose of it (epi .45/mcg/kg/hr/), and his BPs have been OK, but not as good as they have been. The plan is to try and keep him off the other BP meds if possible, to try and improve his kidney function. His urine output is marginal and amber, and he is getting a little puffy. A little troublesome is his troponin (heart enzyme that indicates damage) had been coming down (I think 27 was the lowest) but is back up to >50 again (normal is <.02). Even the nurse isn't sure what to make of that. Another heart attack? Doesn't seem likely but who knows. Still no detectible neuro function, but that was expected. Things are moving forward to have the "official" neuro exams today.
I am going to *try* and sleep some more.
I am going to *try* and sleep some more.
Monday, April 19, 2010
What the doctor said this morning...
I seriously don't know where the time goes. (It freaks me out a little since there is such precious little time left.) So I am finally posting what we discussed with the doctor this morning, although I have already told many of you in person already. But for those who haven't heard yet...
The doctor and the pharmacist had a pow-wow about how long to wait to be sure that the oxycontin has completely left his system. It's a long-acting drug and it's difficult to know for sure since we haven't a clue how much he took. (He has been getting a reversal drug this whole time that hasn't done much at all.) But it seems that it might be safe to do an official bedside physician exam tomorrow to determine whether or not Cameron is truly brain-dead. They will give him a good portion of two reveral drugs shortly before the exam, just in case. The doctors have told us over and over a bedside exam is more accurate and telling than any scan. If/when he fails that neuro exam, a second physician will perform a second test a few hours later, just to be sure. When he fails that exam, they will prounounce him brain-dead. If they feel they detect any neurological activity at all during either test, then they will go ahead and scan him to determine the extent of damage.
But I am telling you there won't be any neuro activity to find. He doesn't make any spontaeous breaths at all. None. The machine does it all. His eyes are still fixed and dilated. He still has no gag. He doesn't blink if you stick cotton in his eye. But nevermind the medical stuff. As a mother, the light in his eyes was missing when I found him yesterday morning. It's been a tough image to shake.
Wow. I can't believe that was only yesterday.
We have made the decision to donate Cameron's corneas, bones, and tissues (and whatever internal organs they feel are salvagable.) We strongly feel Cameron would say, "well I'm not using them." Such a good heart, such a sweet boy. Anyway, the point is Intermountain Donor Services will need a couple of days to do what they do. So as best as I can predict, we are looking at the funeral to be Monday or Tuesday, but we still haven't picked the mortuary so that is tentative. Mike really really wants Darin Parker to be involved. If anyone knows how to contact him, please e-mail us. scrapyourheart@gmail.com
So, once again, his blood-pressure and other "numbers" are improving somewhat and some actually look pretty good. But it's a fascade. His brain is severely damaged, so the rest doesn't matter in the long term. But I am grateful to have just a little more time with him than I normally would have under the circumstances. It's extremely painful knowing the final good-bye is coming, but the extra time is a blessing at the same time. So bittersweet. But I hope it will make closure easier in the end.
Finally, I want to say that if anyone has the desire to visit with Cameron for a few minutes, please don't hesitate or think you are a bother. It has been a blessing to be surrounded by loved ones and friends. But please don't wait. His time left on Earth is short.
The doctor and the pharmacist had a pow-wow about how long to wait to be sure that the oxycontin has completely left his system. It's a long-acting drug and it's difficult to know for sure since we haven't a clue how much he took. (He has been getting a reversal drug this whole time that hasn't done much at all.) But it seems that it might be safe to do an official bedside physician exam tomorrow to determine whether or not Cameron is truly brain-dead. They will give him a good portion of two reveral drugs shortly before the exam, just in case. The doctors have told us over and over a bedside exam is more accurate and telling than any scan. If/when he fails that neuro exam, a second physician will perform a second test a few hours later, just to be sure. When he fails that exam, they will prounounce him brain-dead. If they feel they detect any neurological activity at all during either test, then they will go ahead and scan him to determine the extent of damage.
But I am telling you there won't be any neuro activity to find. He doesn't make any spontaeous breaths at all. None. The machine does it all. His eyes are still fixed and dilated. He still has no gag. He doesn't blink if you stick cotton in his eye. But nevermind the medical stuff. As a mother, the light in his eyes was missing when I found him yesterday morning. It's been a tough image to shake.
Wow. I can't believe that was only yesterday.
We have made the decision to donate Cameron's corneas, bones, and tissues (and whatever internal organs they feel are salvagable.) We strongly feel Cameron would say, "well I'm not using them." Such a good heart, such a sweet boy. Anyway, the point is Intermountain Donor Services will need a couple of days to do what they do. So as best as I can predict, we are looking at the funeral to be Monday or Tuesday, but we still haven't picked the mortuary so that is tentative. Mike really really wants Darin Parker to be involved. If anyone knows how to contact him, please e-mail us. scrapyourheart@gmail.com
So, once again, his blood-pressure and other "numbers" are improving somewhat and some actually look pretty good. But it's a fascade. His brain is severely damaged, so the rest doesn't matter in the long term. But I am grateful to have just a little more time with him than I normally would have under the circumstances. It's extremely painful knowing the final good-bye is coming, but the extra time is a blessing at the same time. So bittersweet. But I hope it will make closure easier in the end.
Finally, I want to say that if anyone has the desire to visit with Cameron for a few minutes, please don't hesitate or think you are a bother. It has been a blessing to be surrounded by loved ones and friends. But please don't wait. His time left on Earth is short.
From Mike (Dad)
I can't dwell on "What if" and "What could be." I will always know Cam as my "Bug." Whatever the outcome of this, Cameron has already made my life one worth living.
We want to thank everyone for their support, words of love, and willingness to serve. We will be by Cameron's side through thick and thin. We are expecting the worst outcome, but will never give up on our "Gentle Giant."
Mike
We want to thank everyone for their support, words of love, and willingness to serve. We will be by Cameron's side through thick and thin. We are expecting the worst outcome, but will never give up on our "Gentle Giant."
Mike
Memories
I had a thought yesterday but I wasn't sure how to implement it. But as I have thought about it more I think I may have found a way to make it work.
I would like to compose a binder with written memories of Cameron. Anyone with memories with my son is invited to share. What I would like is for your to write your memory (preferrably in Word format) attatch it to an e-mail ready to print. PLEASE be sure to write your name on it somewhere. That way I can just print them off and put them in the binder and it will be easy. It would also be *PRICELESS* to Mike and I and of course the girls. Please, please contribute. Thank you in advance.
scrapyourheart@gmail.com
I would like to compose a binder with written memories of Cameron. Anyone with memories with my son is invited to share. What I would like is for your to write your memory (preferrably in Word format) attatch it to an e-mail ready to print. PLEASE be sure to write your name on it somewhere. That way I can just print them off and put them in the binder and it will be easy. It would also be *PRICELESS* to Mike and I and of course the girls. Please, please contribute. Thank you in advance.
scrapyourheart@gmail.com
More News
Cameron did well overnight. His blood pressures are good. They are weaning the vaso-pressers (medicine to keep his blood pressures up.) He is still fevering, currently 38.5 (101.5 ish), still on the cooling blanket. His lungs are improving, he is not needing as much oxygen (fiO2 45%) and his blood saturation is high nineties. (That is good.)
But the other part of it, the more significant part of it, is that his neuro exam is still extremely poor. Still no gag reflex (very bad) and no coronary reflex (also very bad.) He is NOT sedated, but still responds to nothing.
I also found out this morning that my suspicions were correct. It seems he suffered a heart attack during the time his oxygen was low (probably before I found him.) For those that know and understand, his troponins have been >50 and now 47. (Normal is <.02) They will do another ultrasound of his heart today and keep monitoring his troponins. (Troponin is a heart enzyme. High levels indicate heart damage.)
I still need to speak to the physician in detail this morning, but I highly suspect we will be turing everything off today or tomorrow. Just a guess, but I'll keep you posted.
But the other part of it, the more significant part of it, is that his neuro exam is still extremely poor. Still no gag reflex (very bad) and no coronary reflex (also very bad.) He is NOT sedated, but still responds to nothing.
I also found out this morning that my suspicions were correct. It seems he suffered a heart attack during the time his oxygen was low (probably before I found him.) For those that know and understand, his troponins have been >50 and now 47. (Normal is <.02) They will do another ultrasound of his heart today and keep monitoring his troponins. (Troponin is a heart enzyme. High levels indicate heart damage.)
I still need to speak to the physician in detail this morning, but I highly suspect we will be turing everything off today or tomorrow. Just a guess, but I'll keep you posted.
A terrible day
First let me thank you for loving me/our family/Cameron enough to read what is going on with him. Cameron's overall outlook is grim, so I will tell you upfront there will probably not be especially happy news to report, but I will do my best to be upbeat. This is such a difficult time.
In a nutshell, he spent the night at a friend's house we thought we could trust. We picked him up Saturday at 7 pm. He admitted to Mike that night that he had been drinking Friday night and had smoked pot. Mike expressed his disappointment but did not get angry. It was a positive conversation that ended in expressions of love.
Cameron came home that night, did a few chores, took a shower and went to bed about 10 pm. Mike checked on him at 11:30 minutes before we went to bed. He was fine.
We know from his texts that at 2 am he was "tripping on oxy(cotin)." We don't know for sure where he got them or how much he took. He was too out of it at that time to clean up his texts, a routine he religiously performs because he knows we will read his phone. That was the last contact he made with anyone.
I found him Sunday morning about 8:40 am. He was blue, barely breathing, and had a thready pulse. We called 911. His heart stopped shortly after they arrived. We left the house and he was in full arrest. They got a pulse back before he arrived at Riverton hospital. We are guessing he was deprived of sufficient oxygen for about 5-6 hours.
He was blue for a long time, even at the hospital. Riverton stablized him the best they could then LifeFlight came and flew him to the PICU (pediatric ICU) at Primary Children's. The staff here are great, but even they struggled to stablize him.
As of this writing, he is comatose. They have not given him any sedation. His neurological exam is poor, he has no gag reflex. He is on life support. The doctors want to give him 3 days for the swelling in his brain to come down and then they will scan him and see what is left. The swelling will peek at around 36 hours, so things could potentially get worse before they get "better." Anyone reading this needs to clearly understand that IF Cameron lives, he will never ever be the same. So "better" is a relative term. He will never be "all better."
For my nurse friends: FiO2 50% and sats in the 90s. (For hours he was 100% O2 and sats in the 70s.) He is still on hefty doses of epinepherine and norepinepherine. His MAPs are 60s and 70s, up from 40s and 50s. His left lung is a white-out from aspiration (I found him lying on his left side.) His pupils are fixed and dilated; he will move his right arm a little to noxious stimuli. He has not fought against the vent or tried to take a swing at the nurse. He just lays there, comatose. He spiked to 39.4, so they put him on a cooling blanket and started antibiotics.
He is my gentle giant. He had not an ounce of common sense, but his heart was pure. He was a sweet boy who would never hurt anyone, but couldn't figure out how to stop hurting himself. It's killing me that he will never wrap his arms around me again and tell me he loves me. I miss him so much already.
Thank you for reaching out to my family and crying with us. Thank you for helping us with the girls. Thank you for just being there for us.
In a nutshell, he spent the night at a friend's house we thought we could trust. We picked him up Saturday at 7 pm. He admitted to Mike that night that he had been drinking Friday night and had smoked pot. Mike expressed his disappointment but did not get angry. It was a positive conversation that ended in expressions of love.
Cameron came home that night, did a few chores, took a shower and went to bed about 10 pm. Mike checked on him at 11:30 minutes before we went to bed. He was fine.
We know from his texts that at 2 am he was "tripping on oxy(cotin)." We don't know for sure where he got them or how much he took. He was too out of it at that time to clean up his texts, a routine he religiously performs because he knows we will read his phone. That was the last contact he made with anyone.
I found him Sunday morning about 8:40 am. He was blue, barely breathing, and had a thready pulse. We called 911. His heart stopped shortly after they arrived. We left the house and he was in full arrest. They got a pulse back before he arrived at Riverton hospital. We are guessing he was deprived of sufficient oxygen for about 5-6 hours.
He was blue for a long time, even at the hospital. Riverton stablized him the best they could then LifeFlight came and flew him to the PICU (pediatric ICU) at Primary Children's. The staff here are great, but even they struggled to stablize him.
As of this writing, he is comatose. They have not given him any sedation. His neurological exam is poor, he has no gag reflex. He is on life support. The doctors want to give him 3 days for the swelling in his brain to come down and then they will scan him and see what is left. The swelling will peek at around 36 hours, so things could potentially get worse before they get "better." Anyone reading this needs to clearly understand that IF Cameron lives, he will never ever be the same. So "better" is a relative term. He will never be "all better."
For my nurse friends: FiO2 50% and sats in the 90s. (For hours he was 100% O2 and sats in the 70s.) He is still on hefty doses of epinepherine and norepinepherine. His MAPs are 60s and 70s, up from 40s and 50s. His left lung is a white-out from aspiration (I found him lying on his left side.) His pupils are fixed and dilated; he will move his right arm a little to noxious stimuli. He has not fought against the vent or tried to take a swing at the nurse. He just lays there, comatose. He spiked to 39.4, so they put him on a cooling blanket and started antibiotics.
He is my gentle giant. He had not an ounce of common sense, but his heart was pure. He was a sweet boy who would never hurt anyone, but couldn't figure out how to stop hurting himself. It's killing me that he will never wrap his arms around me again and tell me he loves me. I miss him so much already.
Thank you for reaching out to my family and crying with us. Thank you for helping us with the girls. Thank you for just being there for us.
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