Another Month Has Passed.

It's been a month since I've written anything here. I'm not writing because of an obligation I feel to jot something down on a regular basis, but because I miss Cameron and need to express myself. This is a good place to start, although I'm sure a very small percentage of those who read this during Cameron's ordeal have moved on to other things and won't follow this blog anymore. I am certainly not saying that out of bitterness or blame, but because I have also moved on in many ways and understand how we, as humans, work.

One of my new friends dropped in to see me today. She became a friend through Cameron's tragedy. She was a huge help during that time. She knew Cam like few others did as he was in her home quite often. She knew he was silly, witty, sensitive, and hilarious. She was deeply affected by Cameron's death. I mean Really affected because she loved Cam like a son. Anyway, I asked her how she had been and I immediately new from her expression that it had not been great. Even though we're friends now, I didn't feel I could pry. But, we talked about Cam and her son, did a little reminiscing, and other small talk. But it came out that another friend of hers had died just recently. We talked about what happened and how it affected her.

Now, here is where I learned a lesson about human behavior. Even though I had just gone through losing Cam, I was frozen in my tracks. My first thought was "I really know now how you feel." my second thought was "What in the world can I do?" What I mean is that I was at a loss for words and felt completely inadequate to be someone she is telling this to. All I could think of doing was to give her a hug, tell her how sorry I was and ask her if there is anything i can do to help. Shouldn't I have inside knowledge now of how to make her feel better? Isn't there special powers given to the "I've lost someone close" club?

I guess what I realize is that as much as I hurt for my friend and want to make it better, I can't. And, honestly, when I see her again it will be hard to know what to say besides "How are you doing?" The same thing I was ranting on about before. Now I see that everyone who dares speak to me now most likely are my real friends whether they dwell on Cameron or not.

Well, I took off the pink wristband. It got real dirty when I was changing the brakes on the Suburban. It wasn't too bad because I hung it next to my bathroom sink so that I can see it every morning before I start my day. Kristie and I and the girls are adjusting to having the house to ourselves. I know Cam's busy with his stand-up routine now, but I hope he feels that he can come tease us anytime. We went and celebrated at Cam's grave on Memorial Day. It was nice that we had some of his friends there too. Can I say this too, I always thought that putting flowers and stuff on loved one's graves was a little shallow. What I mean is I always thought that you should celebrate them all year. Of course, now I know that it is one way to remember while enjoying the support of everyone else who has loved ones who have passed away. So, I will happily enjoy decorating Cam along with everyone else on Memorial Day (in addition to doing stuff throughout the year).

Kristie and I have struggled with geting Cam's grave marker ordered (another thing I have learned is that it isn't called a headstone now). We know what shape and color he would want, and we want his picture, but we're stuck at that. We'll get it done when we go to the grave marker store, but haven't really found the time yet (I think on purpose for now). What can we say about Cameron that would fit in that space in so few words?

I still cry. I miss him. Kristie does too. It's nice that no-one is fighting for his room (it has it's own bathroom) because the girls already have their own. So, we wander in there from time to time just to have Cam time. I don't think we'll keep it like it is forever, but it is nice to have it for now.

I wish Cam knew how much he really was loved. He would say that nobody at school liked him and how much he was picked on. We're finding out that he had alot of admirers and he was actually pretty well liked by alot of people. I guess the lesson there is to tell our friends we love them.

Mike.