Another Month Has Passed.

It's been a month since I've written anything here. I'm not writing because of an obligation I feel to jot something down on a regular basis, but because I miss Cameron and need to express myself. This is a good place to start, although I'm sure a very small percentage of those who read this during Cameron's ordeal have moved on to other things and won't follow this blog anymore. I am certainly not saying that out of bitterness or blame, but because I have also moved on in many ways and understand how we, as humans, work.

One of my new friends dropped in to see me today. She became a friend through Cameron's tragedy. She was a huge help during that time. She knew Cam like few others did as he was in her home quite often. She knew he was silly, witty, sensitive, and hilarious. She was deeply affected by Cameron's death. I mean Really affected because she loved Cam like a son. Anyway, I asked her how she had been and I immediately new from her expression that it had not been great. Even though we're friends now, I didn't feel I could pry. But, we talked about Cam and her son, did a little reminiscing, and other small talk. But it came out that another friend of hers had died just recently. We talked about what happened and how it affected her.

Now, here is where I learned a lesson about human behavior. Even though I had just gone through losing Cam, I was frozen in my tracks. My first thought was "I really know now how you feel." my second thought was "What in the world can I do?" What I mean is that I was at a loss for words and felt completely inadequate to be someone she is telling this to. All I could think of doing was to give her a hug, tell her how sorry I was and ask her if there is anything i can do to help. Shouldn't I have inside knowledge now of how to make her feel better? Isn't there special powers given to the "I've lost someone close" club?

I guess what I realize is that as much as I hurt for my friend and want to make it better, I can't. And, honestly, when I see her again it will be hard to know what to say besides "How are you doing?" The same thing I was ranting on about before. Now I see that everyone who dares speak to me now most likely are my real friends whether they dwell on Cameron or not.

Well, I took off the pink wristband. It got real dirty when I was changing the brakes on the Suburban. It wasn't too bad because I hung it next to my bathroom sink so that I can see it every morning before I start my day. Kristie and I and the girls are adjusting to having the house to ourselves. I know Cam's busy with his stand-up routine now, but I hope he feels that he can come tease us anytime. We went and celebrated at Cam's grave on Memorial Day. It was nice that we had some of his friends there too. Can I say this too, I always thought that putting flowers and stuff on loved one's graves was a little shallow. What I mean is I always thought that you should celebrate them all year. Of course, now I know that it is one way to remember while enjoying the support of everyone else who has loved ones who have passed away. So, I will happily enjoy decorating Cam along with everyone else on Memorial Day (in addition to doing stuff throughout the year).

Kristie and I have struggled with geting Cam's grave marker ordered (another thing I have learned is that it isn't called a headstone now). We know what shape and color he would want, and we want his picture, but we're stuck at that. We'll get it done when we go to the grave marker store, but haven't really found the time yet (I think on purpose for now). What can we say about Cameron that would fit in that space in so few words?

I still cry. I miss him. Kristie does too. It's nice that no-one is fighting for his room (it has it's own bathroom) because the girls already have their own. So, we wander in there from time to time just to have Cam time. I don't think we'll keep it like it is forever, but it is nice to have it for now.

I wish Cam knew how much he really was loved. He would say that nobody at school liked him and how much he was picked on. We're finding out that he had alot of admirers and he was actually pretty well liked by alot of people. I guess the lesson there is to tell our friends we love them.

Mike.

Proud Dad, Sad Dad

I still have on the pink wrist band that Primary Children's Hospital gave Kristie and me to denote us as parents of a patient on the PICU. Kristie took hers off because it wasn't practical to have on at work as a nurse (for sanitary and other reasons). I think it will be cathartic when mine comes off. I think, for me, it represents the possibility that Cameron will pull through. While I have it on, he is still in the hospital alive. I don't really care if that is unhealthy thought, it is all I have left. I am prepared for it to come off...I check it multiple times every day. But, that doesn't mean I won't break down again and cry for a while.

I mentioned "blindsiders" before. This is when something out of the blue hits you and causes you to lose composure for a while. Well, I got another one yesterday. I was so proud that Cameron was able to donate part of himself to help other people. It was a decision that wasn't hard to make for Kistie and me. Cameron was naturally generous and would have been disappointed not to have done it. But, yesterday we received in the mail a very nice "Certificate of Recognition" from the Utah's Donate Life Coalition. It reads, in part "Utah's Donate Life Coalition Gratefully Acknowledges Cameron Earnhart as a donor who has made an invaluable and selfless contribution to all people whose lives are enriched through transplantation." I spent some time on the couch crying after reading that for the first time.

......Bittersweet.......

There are so many ways I was proud of Cameron. As usual, I don't think I told him often enough. I want to tell him now how much my heart swells to read this certificate. To anyone reading it in passing, it may seem trite or understated. But, to me, in my situation it couldn't be more perfect. I can understand like never before how unselfish Cameron was, even in death.

It is hard to go forward with a huge empty space in our house and in our lives. It seems to be difficult for people we associate with to know how to act or what to say around us. I want anyone reading this to know a truth. I can't stand the questions "How are you doing?" and "How you holding up?" The standard answer is "It's hard, but we're doing OK." Bullfrikin' Pucky. We are not OK and we're not holding up. But that doesn't mean we give up on everything else. We love the support and the friendship. We love being told you're sorry and that you're thinking about us. Don't be afraid to show support. Don't avert your eyes in passing, don't avoid the subject, and don't be afraid of our feelings. We hurt like Hell, but we aren't going to bite your head off.

Thank you who continue to care. Thank you for knowing this is the hardest time we've gone through, but also understanding that we will keep on keepin' on......

Cam's B-Day

Today, May 5th, is Cam's Birthday. He would have been 16.

Kristie and I knew last week what we would do today. We took the 4 girls to Cam's grave, wrote our personal notes on balloons and let them fly...it was windy so they had a wild ride. It reminded me alot of Cameron's life. He was always in a hurry to get from one place to the next, but never in a straight line. One of our traditions is to take the kids out to dinner wherever they want on their Birthdays. Cam was a huge meat-eater as you could imagine. His favorite place to eat was Rodizios Brazilian Grill at Trolley Square. He loved to eat the Chicken Livers and Buffalo and Most of all the Snake (of course, he would chow down on the regular Sausage and Sirloin too). Well, mostly the Girls say EWWW to that stuff. Cam also loved a good rack of ribs. His next favorite place is Texas Roadhouse. We celebrated Cameron on his Birthday by taking the family to Texas Roadhouse.

Kristie and I go out to on our anniversary every year. We love Texas Roadhouse too. As we sat with our girls waiting for our food, a guest at another table got the "Happy Birthday" song treatment. Wow.......I read somewhere that these moments are called "Blindsiders." You think you are handling things OK for the day when you are hit with something that completely throws you off. The realization that Cameron was not here for this celebration was dumped all over our composure. The food was excellent, but as Kristie said afterword, "That was the worst meal I've had in a long time."

We should have been planning a Birthday, not a funeral. Every day we try to look at the bright side. We cry with smiling faces when a family writes that a child has been touched by this tragedy and swear not to do drugs, quit drinking, or change some behavior. But at the same time wonder why it had to come to this to raise awareness to our neighbors.

Moms and Dads, your kid might be using.

"Cam?"

"Yeah"

"You OK"

"Yeah"

Life Going On

It's been 1 week since Cameron's funeral. I still catch myself expecting Cam to be here. I brought home some drums I bought at my store to work on at home. As soon as I walked in the house, I just about called for Cam to come help me unload them. We had family time tonight like we try to do on Mondays. Everyone was around the table to start, but it felt empty. Not like just one person was missing, but like 2 or 3 were missing. Kristie and I just said "Can't believe how much room that boy took up." Not only in space, but in energy and sound. We cook half as much food for dinner, there are leftovers in the fridge that would have never survived with Cam, and there is food in the pantry and drinks that haven't been touched.

Things around the house are very, very quiet. Some of it can be chalked up to our mood, we've been quite somber. Right now it's hard to be jovial or even light hearted. The real truth is that I keep seeing Cameron on his bed, blue and barely breathing. It makes my heart ache that he had to go through that. I know he never felt anything, but still I cry that he didn't deserve to go through hours of slowly losing the fight to live.

I thought I would be obsessed with who and where the pill came from. I don't think about that very much, though. I wonder and am really saddened at the possibility that someone gave it to him (for money or not) and that the somebody knows what happened. How could you live with that? Well, Cameron made his own choice to take it and the consequences were the worst possible. I just hope someone has taken the lesson of this to heart, even after the shock has worn off.

My life will never be the same. There will be times when I will wonder what Cam would be doing if he were still here. There will also be times when I just cry that he is gone. But life is going on...

I miss you, Bug.

A Strange Day

So, today was the day part of me never believed would really happen. I'm still not sure I believe it. He'll be home from his scout camp-out any minute, right? He better be home soon, he's got school tomorrow.

But no. I drove back to the cemetary only a couple hours after we left him there just to make sure he was tucked in OK. Of course he was. I left a piece of my heart there (the big piece that fell out a week ago and I have been carrying on my sleeve.) It really felt wrong to leave him there.

I am not sure how I feel right now. Tired. Ready to wake up from this nightmare, that's for sure.

I must have thanked hundreds of people for coming today. It must have sounded trite, but I meant it from the bottom of my heart. The only thing that has helped even a little is having the support (written as well as physical) of friends and family. Really, truly. Thank you for being there for us.

Pics of Cameron

Thoughts of Thanks

It is Sunday night. Tomorrow is Camerons funeral. One week ago we awoke to the worst day of our lives. The pictures in our minds of finding Cameron remain and the heartache of the week is lingering. This is the first time in my life that I have cried until my eyes itch and ache. We may be able to express our true grief tomorrow, but more likely we will be in a haze and numb. There have been few moments that Kristie and I have been alone for enough time to start crying together. The support and love has been tremendous and our grattitude is real.

I had an especially hard day today, mostly because of preparations for tomorrow. Truthfully though, I was wanting to grieve some so that I could hold myself together tomorrow. Our family that is here has been wonderful. Some we haven't seen for years. I can't tell you how great it is to have family that barely know my son be able to really understand my grief because they know how I am. I loved my son more than words can describe. He was my oldest and my only boy. I am so glad that, even with the faults that Cam and I have, at the end of the day we could sit on the couch in the basement and watch Family Guy or Simpsons and enjoy being together. We could also enjoy the secret that we were watching the shows that Mom tried to block.

Cameron was spending much more time with friends and playing XBox than with me lately. I accepted that our relationship be more and more from a distance because that's what teens do. But, Cam never complained when I crashed his TV time, especially when I brought him a Diet Pepsi home. The moments we spent together alone will be with me forever.

We want Herriman (United) Fire to know how much we appreciate them. It isn't easy to see and deal with what they did at our house that morning. They were professional and patient even when dealing with and RN and and ex-EMT. I especially wanted to thank Officer Vollmer with the Sherrif's office. He was there that morning keeping things calm. He also came to Primary's just to check on Cam. His sincerity was real and appreciated. I know that his heart broke at the news that Cam was gone.

To everyone that has thought, prayed, served, and talked to us this week...Thank You! I couldn't imagine going through this alone. The empty place where Cameron should be will never go away, but our hearts are full because of the love of others.

Thank you,
Mike, Kristie, Courtney, Caitlyn, Carlee, and Callie.

Cam

Kristie and I took my parents to the mortuary today to see Cam. They were unable to fly out from Louisiana (where they are on a mission) in time to see Cam at the hospital. He looks absolutely peaceful. It is a stark contrast to the usual vivacious and lively boy that we all knew. Of course, he doesn't look quite the same. But, all in all, Darren did a wonderful job. It was epecially nice to know that Cam was in the hands of a friend.

You guys, our little boy filled up the whole damn casket. Being with him this week has slowed time down to a crawl, and yet this week and the last 16 years has gone by like Cameron running through the kitchen. As we prepare some memories of Cam, we get to relive many experiences that maybe we would have otherwise forgotton. Like the day he broke his femur (he was 6). That was a day that also lives in infamy. We remember his determination.......not to get up and walk around around after his surgery. We told him that the Dr. wanted him to get up once in a while and walk around to get his leg exercised. As we tried to help him set on the side of the hospital bed and then stand, he yelled as loud as he could, "I'M NOT DOIN THAT!" It was one of those things that is both the saddest thing in the world and makes you completely lose it laughing.

As we remember the time with Cam it is both sad and happy. We will miss him, especially the little idiosyncracies that made him who he was. I guess we should learn to love the little things that bug us most about each other because it seems that those might be the things we would miss the most.

Cam is wearing the leather jacket that his thoughful Mom got him for Christmas. Cam didn't ask for a jacket because he already had one he found at our stake clothing swap. Now, keep in mind the old one was fake leather (vinyl) and had rips and tears everywhere and needed to be sent to space. He didn't care, he loved it anyway. But, Mom thought it needed replaced so she shopped long and hard to get one that would fit into our Christmas budget. She was successful and found a jacket that became inseparable from Cam. He is also wearing the pink tie that I found him for the Sweeheart's Dance with Page. Now, it is a little bright because I don't know baby pink from fuschia but Cameron wore it every time he wanted to dress to impress. Also, you won't be able to see, but he is wearing his skater shoes that we tripped over every night somewhere in the house.

It isn't getting any easier but we feel loved and supported by you all. Thanks again.

Cameron Video, He was so serious about this.

Our gentle guy had a pretty hard edge sometimes. Well, get to know this side a little. He posted this himself this month.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjsjswz-h5c

A Little Venting

It's after 3 O'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. I probably shouldn't be writing because I'm pretty emotional. Kristie and I are meeting with the mortician in the morning to finalize funeral arrangements. Of course I am thinking of Cam and how good he really was. I have had a few experiences this week with how awful the world can be. Even though Cam had his weaknesses, he was always good with other people. I was just thinking about an experience with a person this week that made me realize that, unlike Cam, there are people out there that have no heart. I guess I'll tell...As I've been driving around this week, I feel like everything is in slow motion. I am completely exhausted physically and emotionally. On Monday when we were realizing that Cam was not going to make it, I was running back and forth from the hospital taking care of the rest of the family (with help) so that Kristie could stay at the hospital with Cam. It's hard to drive when you're consumed with grief, I wouldn't recommend it. Anyway, when I got to foothill Blvd I set the cruise control to 45 (it's a 40 limit) because it's hard not to speed on that road if you're not paying attention. Well, from 215 it's a long down hill going North and the Suburban is heavy and apparently picked up enough speed to get over 50mph even with cruise. I didn't notice cause I was crying and not running over any cars in front of me. My luck is such that a motorcyle officer spotted me and pulled me over. I really didn't know how fast I was going, but he came up and said I was doing 53. I just offered the explanation that I was headed to the hospital where my son was probably going to die. It came out because I guess I didn't want him to think I was just a speed demon. Well, he took my license and looked liked he was quickly checking things out and came back pretty quickly, which I appreciated. He said he was citing me for speeding and putting 5 over. I didn't think anything of it except "dang." My issue was with what he said next. Officer Hallock, SLPD, then said, and I quote, "I find it sad that you are using your son's grief to try and get out of a speeding ticket"....................................Wha??.........Wha??..............I had no words.

So I have been comparing Cameron's caring personality with these heartless words to a grieving father all week. There is no comparison. I shouldn't dwell and it really isn't important, but I'm pretty emotional.

I really wish he could be here to laugh with me about it.


Cam, thanks for never being a jerk.

Family Photo Album

Here are a few pictures of Cameron and family. Maybe a little older but still the same.....

www.picasaweb.google.com/mearnhart7

Thanks everyone

I have hardly been on the computer today. Most of the recent posts have been from Mike. I have soaked more kleenex than can be counted. It has been, well, a horrific day. And the worst part is, that it has only just begun. Cameron's 16th birthday is May 5th. Mother's Day is 4 days after that. And then there is just the everyday stuff.

I came home from the hospital today for the first time since Sunday. So many reminders of him everywhere, not to mention the fridge full of food that doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. We are going to have to start cooking less.

I resurrected my blog mostly because it was way too hard to keep retelling Cam's story to everyone I wanted to know. But it has become extremly therapeutic for Mike and I, something I really did not anticipate. But as we tell his story, the good, the bad, and the painful, it has helped us to process our emotions.

Thank you to EVERYONE who has reached out to us. Old friends, new friends, co-workers, family, and even strangers. Your tender words of kindness lift me each time. Ask any nurse in the PICU. Anytime the laptop was in my lap, I was sobbing. Thank you so much for being there for us.

And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sending your memories of Cameron. He wasn't perfect, but he sure was easy to love. Keep them coming. I have cherished every one.

Sure do love you Cameron, forever for always and no matter what.

One Pill

I feel that at this time it is appropriate to tell you all of some feelings I have about what took Cameron. For whatever reason, physiological, psychological, or social, Cam was drawn toward artificial joy and temporary highs. Over the last year he took pills of many kinds, he smoked marijuana, he tried cocaine and mushrooms. We talked many times about the reasons he did it. It was to forget hard times, it was to escape reality, and it was to feel good. But, we also talked about the dangers associated with drug use. Cameron did not want to hurt himself or take his own life. He started talking about how hard it was going to be this spring because the price of pills and such would go down. Why? We're not sure, but he was really worried that he could afford to buy some of the things he craved. Well, that being said, we felt he had truly reached a milestone with sobriety. He asked if he could stay the night with a friend. It was a friend that we trusted because he did not use with this friend and his parents were home with them. Cameron, being who he was, somehow found a way to get his hands on some Marijuana, Alchohol, and Pills.

I think it was his loyalty to friends (good and evil) and the desire to please that kept him from resisting those temptations. It seemed to be that he succombed to the urge to smoke marijuana first. Once Cameron has given into one temptation, he lets it snowball from there. We tried to teach him that even though you make one mistake doesn't mean you have to keep making them. Just because you sip rotton milk doesn't mean your whole day is spoiled.

I picked Cam up from his friend's house. He had lied about coming home and I was furious that he had not been answering his phone and not been responsible enough to check in (he had Saturday jobs to do). When he got into the car, I just felt that I had to calm down before sentencing. Well, we went to my store to finish up some work. I snagged his phone before he could erase his text history. Instead of starting in on Cam, I reviewed his texts. He had been up to no good, but after seeing the horror on his face I suddenly felt that he was already regretting his actions.

I will never tell myself I should have done something different or really lit into the kid. But, at that time I just told him that we had taught him make good choices and that he would have consequences, good or bad. Kristie came into the store on the way home from work, we spent a few minutes all together and they left for home. No hard feelings, no argument.

At home, Cameron spent a little time doing jobs he was supposed to have done earlier. He was in a decent mood and we all headed to bed at about 11:00. I checked on him at about 11:30 because I heard voices from his room. For some reason, Courtney was just shooting the breeze with Cam (Courtney told us later that she didn't know why but felt that she needed to talk to Cam). I sent her back to bed and told cam good night. We found him about 8:30 Sunday morning and you know the rest.

Here is what everyone should understand: From talking with everyone we could about the previous day, we deducted that Cameron had taken One Pill! We think it was an 80mg dose of Oxycontin. He had texted a friend about 1:50am that he was high on Oxycontin and couldn't see straight or hear right. Cam did not know what he had. 80mg of Oxycontin taken by someone that has no tolerance for the drug is going to be fatal.

Friends of Cam, Teenagers, Students, and everyone else............ONE PILL TOOK MY BOY!

Please let this be a wake up call to anyone messing around with any drug. The reality is that Cameron knew that the highs were temporary. You can deal with anything if you let those who care about you in.

Cameron's DAD

Wednesday Afternoon

Cameron's official time of death is 1:20 pm April 20, 2010. With family and friends at his bedside, Cameron was taken off the ventilator. Within a few minutes, Cam's heart stopped. That was at 11:32 on April 21, 2010. Peace and Handsomeness. Gentle Giant.

Wednesday Morning Update

It is a difficult morning. The organ donation folks determined that his internal organ are not viable for donation. I'm not gonna tell Cam because he would just make a joke about nobody being able to handle his stuff anyway. He will be able to donate some tissue stuff. The donation team and Medical Examiner will get their things done quickly today.

He will be taken off life support before Noon. The family is here to say final goodbyes. He is very hot from fever and puffy from fluid. It will be hard to see and feel his body cold. But, his spirit will be free and his vitality will never leave. Spirit World, look out!

We are really trying to set the service for Monday. We will post ASAP.

Our Love To All!!! Thank you so much for reaching out to us.

Miss him already.

Update from Dad Tuesday Night

Cameron was officially declared dead at 1:20pm Tues. April 20, 2010. That sentence is extremely hard to write. He is still on life support so that he can be prepared to be an organ donor. This decision was not hard for us. Because we knew that Cam would say something like "Well, I'm not usin' 'em, Mom, give them to someone who can." That was how Cam was.



He will be on medications that will help his liver, kidneys, and heart recouperate from the damage they sustained. They couldn't give the meds before because they could damage the brain. He will PROUDLY be able to help quite a few people live better lives.



Most likely, Cameron will be off life support and be done at the hospital Wednesday late afternoon or evening.



We are proud of Cameron and the life he lived. Everyone makes mistakes but sadly this one has taken him from us. No regrets except that his life was cut short.



We will post the day, time, and location of his funeral service as soon as we have it set.



Thank you, everyone, again for the love and support.



Mike and Kristie

From Mike (Dad)

Friends were extremely important to Cam. There were those who kept him busy and out of trouble. There were also those who put him in danger. Unfortunately, they were both important to Cameron. I will always remember him never hurting anyone except himself. He never had a bad word to say about anyone, even those who hurt him.

This is a time to remember everything good about Cam, which is plentiful. Few, if any, knew him like I did. The only time we fought was when he wouldn't tell me something because he was protecting the privacy of someone else. He was loyal and forever worried about the feelings of others. He was uncanny when it came to knowing the mood of someone and trying to help anyway he could.

Unfortunately, the one vice he had (drugs) was what took him from us. He didn't think it hurt anybody. But, as I told him many times, when you hurt yourself it affects everyone around you who know and love you.......Family, Friends, Sisters, Grandmas, Grandpas, Church Leaders, Teachers, Principles, and even Officers.

Cam would say something like "I'm sorry this happened, I didn't really think anyone cared that much."

Cameron, my Bug, if you could see them now........

Dad

This is where we are

I am not sure if folks know where we are. I can't remember what I've told to whom.
We are at Primary Children's in the Pediatric ICU (PICU.)
It means so much to be surrounded by friends.

It is what it is

So Cameron has had BOTH his official neuro exams today, and has been declared brain dead by each physcian. While I'm not surprised, it's still so hard to hear.
The donor service will take over from here - it will take up to 2 days for them to do what they do. The problem is, he is not so stable today and I don't know if he will last that long but I guess we will do what we can.
We are not turning anyone away but know that if you come to visit, it will probably only be for a few minutes to say goodbye as there seem to be many that want to come. ICU rules are that there can be only 2 visitors (besides mom and dad) so we have to cycle people in and out. Visiting ends at 9 pm. We are asking all visitors be done by noon Wednesday so we may spend Cam's final moments alone as a family.
People keep asking what can be done for us. I don't know what to say except water bottles and granola bars, since it's tough to leave his bedside.
But really, the most precious, the most important thing you can do for me is WRITE DOWN YOUR MEMORIES OF CAMERON and e-mail them to me. I want this desperately. Even if you think your memories of Cam aren't significant, it is to me. Since I can't have my son, I want his legacy instead. Please contribute. scrapyourheart@gmail.com

Through the night

Cam has done fair through this last night. His fever spiked again, so back on the cooling blanket (something expected with brain swelling.) He is on only one medicine to maintain his blood pressure, but he is on a decent dose of it (epi .45/mcg/kg/hr/), and his BPs have been OK, but not as good as they have been. The plan is to try and keep him off the other BP meds if possible, to try and improve his kidney function. His urine output is marginal and amber, and he is getting a little puffy. A little troublesome is his troponin (heart enzyme that indicates damage) had been coming down (I think 27 was the lowest) but is back up to >50 again (normal is <.02). Even the nurse isn't sure what to make of that. Another heart attack? Doesn't seem likely but who knows. Still no detectible neuro function, but that was expected. Things are moving forward to have the "official" neuro exams today.
I am going to *try* and sleep some more.