I still have on the pink wrist band that Primary Children's Hospital gave Kristie and me to denote us as parents of a patient on the PICU. Kristie took hers off because it wasn't practical to have on at work as a nurse (for sanitary and other reasons). I think it will be cathartic when mine comes off. I think, for me, it represents the possibility that Cameron will pull through. While I have it on, he is still in the hospital alive. I don't really care if that is unhealthy thought, it is all I have left. I am prepared for it to come off...I check it multiple times every day. But, that doesn't mean I won't break down again and cry for a while.
I mentioned "blindsiders" before. This is when something out of the blue hits you and causes you to lose composure for a while. Well, I got another one yesterday. I was so proud that Cameron was able to donate part of himself to help other people. It was a decision that wasn't hard to make for Kistie and me. Cameron was naturally generous and would have been disappointed not to have done it. But, yesterday we received in the mail a very nice "Certificate of Recognition" from the Utah's Donate Life Coalition. It reads, in part "Utah's Donate Life Coalition Gratefully Acknowledges Cameron Earnhart as a donor who has made an invaluable and selfless contribution to all people whose lives are enriched through transplantation." I spent some time on the couch crying after reading that for the first time.
......Bittersweet.......
There are so many ways I was proud of Cameron. As usual, I don't think I told him often enough. I want to tell him now how much my heart swells to read this certificate. To anyone reading it in passing, it may seem trite or understated. But, to me, in my situation it couldn't be more perfect. I can understand like never before how unselfish Cameron was, even in death.
It is hard to go forward with a huge empty space in our house and in our lives. It seems to be difficult for people we associate with to know how to act or what to say around us. I want anyone reading this to know a truth. I can't stand the questions "How are you doing?" and "How you holding up?" The standard answer is "It's hard, but we're doing OK." Bullfrikin' Pucky. We are not OK and we're not holding up. But that doesn't mean we give up on everything else. We love the support and the friendship. We love being told you're sorry and that you're thinking about us. Don't be afraid to show support. Don't avert your eyes in passing, don't avoid the subject, and don't be afraid of our feelings. We hurt like Hell, but we aren't going to bite your head off.
Thank you who continue to care. Thank you for knowing this is the hardest time we've gone through, but also understanding that we will keep on keepin' on......
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I admire your son for the desire of his to be able to help other's. What a noble thing. I have the highest regard for Organ donar's and there family's and admire and support them and there families.
Thank you so much for your post about Cameron's donation. I appreciate your open and honest thoughts about how you feel and what others can say and do to offer support. My dear friend lost her son in March. He was the driver of the car that was hit by the trax train. I spoke to her often after the accident but haven't lately. Your comment helped me know what to say and do so I have just sent her a message. My heart hurts for your loss and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Please know that there are many that you have never met that pray for you and your family.
Awwww Earnharts. It's the little things that hit you... like a pink jacket left at our house and realizing the next time you're over Cameron won't be galumphing through the door too. I had to sit for a minute and then I realized I still can't imagine what you are feeling. The lump in my throat returns often and I say a little prayer that you will continue to love your family like there's no tomorrow. It's good to visit with you, we love you.
After my brother's suicide in 2000, you would think that grieving would end after nearly 10 years have past.
I am sorry to tell you that it does not end, but the raw edge of the grief does, after a time, become more blunt. I do know that what you are facing is not a suicide per se, but for my father and mother it had little effect on their grief, and, in reality, mine.
I have watched my parents over the years and can tell you with confidence that if you care for each other and watch out for each other even these things shall pass. As my grandmother told me, "you do not understand it now fully, but life must and will go on."
One of my dear friends was killed in a bicycle accident when we were 15 years old. She had suffered massive head injuries...so being a donor was a great fit for her generous personality. Nearly everything they could donate was taken. Still 24 years later they hear from the benefactors of her organs, hair, eyes, skin and such. What a wonderful gift it is to give truly of yourself in the end. Cameron....and the two of you....have helped others at a time when your were at your lowest. Blessings will continue to pour upon you and your family for your love, kindness and unconditional love you have shared. You raised an amazing son....and his legacy will live on through you and your family...but also the people who truly have been touched by Cameron. May the Lord bless and keep you....and know that prayers are always with you.
Hi Kristi and Family--
It's Staci. been reading and keeping updated with yr family. I think of you often as I have realized how hard these days must be. I always thought that after the funeral is over and you are supposed to "go on" with life--that the days may be longer and harder then those in the hospital.
While we all do go on with our life's-- you must tend to the other children, go to work, church grocery store etc. I can't imagine how hard this would be. The weight of the world on yr shoulders.
While my words may not be comforting, I DO want you to know that there are those of us that are thinking of you and your family right now. I understand that these days are the hardest of your life. I can't yake away yr pain, but please know that I whill continue think and pray for yr family. love u----Staci Wilson
Dearest family, this is granma frannie and mom. I finally think I have this figured out. I had to calm myself and think. We wants you to know even when everything got crazy when we came home, we never stop thinking of Cameron, and you Mike and Kristie. It is so hard to try and comfort you both because you are our children and you shouldn't be going through this so I want to tell you my thoughts if possible. The first thing to say is that your Dad and I have been having moments when it feels like our hearts just broke again. The tears well up know matter where we are. Different times and different places. There seems to be so many things that remind us of our grandson Cameron. I know he is okey but I miss him and can't let go of that. We did give a young boy who we use to teach Cameron birthday present. He was thrilled. Probably the first time I had a birthday present wrapped and ready to send. Usually I am a day late and a dollar short. Sometimes we are so busy at the storehouse and cannery that thinking is impossible. I am grateful for the respite. But the quiet times are the hardest. We pray that you will both be made stronger through this extreme sadness. I do feel his spirit but I miss him so and knowing he won't be home when we get off our mission is hard. Nothing will ever be as hard for us and for you our children. Keep on keeping on like you said Mike. The memories hurt but they heal and bring a piece of joy back for a short time. Mike I am proud that you have done so much with this blog. Keep it up and it will become a journal of love. I want you both to know that the funeral was beautiful and the love was so strong in the chapel. I also know that people were very touched by the spirit that was there. We have given talks since we got back and we always mention Cameron and in fact the Sunday School lesson we gave when we came back to Louisiana was about Cameron and we told them your thoughts and wishes and were true to what you chose to do. A brave and wonderful choice. I know Kristie is working hard, but you too keep spending time alone and draw strength from each other. I was thrilled when Kristie brought you dinner and stayed at work, while you got caught up. That is a good thing to do because you have quite and togetherness without interruption to grieve together. Remember we all love you guys so much. We miss the girls and I am really lonely for all my grandchildren and the great ones too. The young boy we gave Cameron's birthday gift too has some problems in understanding and he is a sweet boy. As for our gentle giant I would like to tell you that I am trying to be like Cameron and trying to never say anything bad about anyone ever again because I want to be worthy to be with him and so him that I really appreciated the lessons he taught me and the love we had for each other. I have made a commitment to be more like him and hope he will help me when ever I forget. I love you and care so very much. The people here have been so supportive and understanding. They have helped us with their love. So many people tell us there story about a brother, or friends that passed away early in life. I hope you remember us in your prayers and Barbara and I have been putting your names in the temple when we go. In fact the last time we went after we got back they asked us to be the witness couple and I want you to know Cameron was with us. I felt his spirit so strong. That was the second time to be a witness couple in the space of 3 weeks. It was a blessing for us both to be witness's that evening when Dad's young assistant was getting his endowments before leaving the next week on his mission. We you Mike, Kristie, Courtney, Caitlyn, Carlie, and Callie. I hope this makes it to you on your blog. xxxxooo
Hey...Its Lauren Blackwood...we miss cam here at school so much...i know we didnt see him every day but we all miss that great smile and crazy buddy of ours that loved to tickle us girls cause (ok only me) snorted like a pig. lol but we know we will see him agin some day. and its snowing today! reminds me of him ( he loved to throw snow at us girls here) mainly cause we would freak out. but its weird not seeing him but we are holdong each other up and taking it one step at a time. let us know if you need us. :)
Mrs. Earnhart:
I've tried to call you several times but have been unable to contact you. We finished Cameron's night stand and wanted to give it to you. Can you pick it up at the school? If not, I'm willing to take it to your home. Please call me at the school 801 256-5856
Thank you
Mrs. Turner
We are so sorry for the loss of your son.Thank you for sharing your story about Cameron.I also have a 16 year old and I wanted him to personally sit down and read your blog.It truly has touched our family.You are in our hearts and our prayers
The Dey's
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